Danica Patrick shows up at Burning Man and may have introduced a new boyfriend

Full disclosure: I fell asleep in the 4th quarter of that game because I went to the recliner instead of staying at the Screencaps HQ

I get it, the weather was bad and they had to delay last night’s game, but that didn’t stop them from rolling out all the pageantry and the 10 songs that need sung before we get the damn game rolling. 

I swear to god, that woman couldn’t have sung the black national anthem any slower if she tried. There I was battling with Spectrum because our Internet was out for six hours (they finally restored it at 2:30 a.m.) and the black national anthem just kept going and going and going. 

Then, Coco Jones (no clue who she is) gets up there and rips through the national anthem in a beautiful pace. Gets the job done. She has a great voice. But the woman knows that this isn’t about her, it’s about red-blooded Americans who just want to watch the football. 

That said, I’m calling on Coco Jones to sing the anthem at all future big games where they show the anthem on the broadcast. There’s no bulls–t when she grabs the mic. Boom, sing it & get out of there. 

Anyway, as for the football, let’s go over a couple of reactions: 

• I can’t wait to hear the analytics on kickoffs out of the end zone vs. kicking into the return zone. Will there be a kickoff return for a touchdown this season? I’m not convinced we’ll see one.
• Starting the ball at the 30 on touchbacks is ridiculous. Constantly putting defenses at a disadvantage is getting old. One pass and these guys are across the 50.
• What’s the strategy when you’re up one with :20 left on the clock and you’re kicking off? Do you allow the team to start on the 30 or make them return it and take your chances they’re not going to return it beyond the 30?
• The NFL better explain all the offensive line flags a little better or you’re going to have people losing their minds for the first eight games of the year. Wait until someone watches a playoff game and a guy lined up wrong costs a team five yards and negates a big play.
• I didn’t notice Collinsworth gagging on either Mahomes or Lamar like normal. That might’ve been the biggest surprise of the night.

– John from SD writes:

Did Cris Collinsworth say that a 0.3 chance of scoring is a 1 in 300 chance of scoring?

Do we really need the NFL in Brazil? Yes, I know, marketing! The NFL games in London seemed like a prelude to a London team. Now what about MX City and Brazil (and Germany)? What the hell was Jac Collinsworth wearing during halftime?

Can we still use the term metrosexual?

Even with warmer weather, Southern California is suffering from seasonal obsessions. Christmas trees are already available at Costco and from local stores:

Kinsey:

The problem I have always had with Jac Collinsworth is the fake smile, the mannerisms that a talent scout recommended to him as a research analyst, and the oh, crapmetrosexual, I deserve this job Aura.

Jac Collinsworth has been on Twitter since 2010 and has 20,000 followers. I know measuring a person's value to pop culture by their Twitter count isn't the best barometer, but Jac Collinsworth has been shoved down our throats for 5-7 years now and this guy can't get 30,000 followers just by having his name on it and maybe a few RTs from his dad and his NBC buddies?

This guy is on TV all the time for NBC and still can't build a fan base. Is it possible that Cris has Jac's employment written into his contract? That's the only explanation I can think of for his employment.

“I ripped up the minibar of a Tunisian hotel after escaping from a Mad Max scene in Tripoli”

– Retired Sergeant Major Bo from Michigan, who has seen a lot in his life, tells his minibar story. Hookstead will be jealous that I have this story:

In 2013, I unknowingly ended my two years of work in Libya. I had been commuting back and forth between Benghazi and Tripoli for a while, but it seemed like we were nearing the finish line.

One morning all hell broke loose in Tripoli.

Different Libyan factions started fighting each other. There was a real Mad Max atmosphere in this city. At sunset the EU ordered all its citizens to leave the city (there was only one plane left) and the airport became the target. So we decided to hole up in the not so nice part of the city and wait and see what happened.

A few hours later, we decided the only option left was to “flee and escape” to Tunisia. That meant driving 70 miles through an unsafe country, crossing an international border, and hoping for the best.

It took us over 6 hours to get out of the city and we had to go through over 20 more armed checkpoints (you should never get involved in a gunfight at a checkpoint) but we made it. We finally reached Djerba, Tunisia (nearest international airport) around 3am and found an old French hotel. Each room had a minibar with a few cold beers and a couple of bottles of wine.

We smoked those minibars, called for backup and smoked those. 3 hours later we managed to get a flight to Zurich and then home.

The best money I ever spent was on the booze in those minibars. After that, I was very careful about how I spent my remaining “cat lives”… I still have one left.

Kinsey:

Now it's getting real! With this recap from Bo in MI, the stories of hotel minibar destruction have officially reached their peak.

This is like Brandon P. from Pinckney, Michigan telling us about attending a trade show for Russian defense contractors a few years ago. By the way, if you've never read this story, I highly recommend it. It's probably the most requested content in the history of screencaps.

As I've always said, there are Screencaps readers who have seen and done some stuff. There are some serious characters floating around in the inbox.

Tell me more stories about minibars being destroyed or stories about escaping Libya when the shit hits the fan.

Email: [email protected]

Thank you for the kind words. This time of year is INCREDIBLY good for content.

– Brian AF writes:

This may be the best “Things You've Sent Me and Things I Like” column ever compiled. More of this, please.

https://www.outkick.com/culture/genny-shawcross-hayley-maxfield-declare-war-pumpkin-spice-latte-mafia

Kinsey:

I've been doing this for 17 years, Brian. It never gets old. EVER. The content just keeps evolving. I keep evolving and growing (on the outside). I know people who left this business to become real writers, and people who became drunks and degenerates. And people who became LinkedIn self-help gurus.

There is nowhere I would rather be than here in the trenches with the real America and the people who need screencaps on a daily basis. I am convinced I was put on this planet to write this column.

Email: [email protected]

Get ready for what? This is it. I'm going to attack NewsChannel5 today. You're going to have to pay for it.

– Stacy B. writes:

The media in Nashville is spreading misinformation.

No, the heater will NOT be on. Get a fluffy blanket. It's summer. Deal with it.

Next week it will be just over 30 degrees. Screw the PSL mafia.

“My house has collapsed”

– Danny W. shares:

I haven't posted in a while but I felt like this needed to be submitted. My house collapsed. I was away for a few days on work and when I got home I saw this.

Kinsey:

Get together? Yes, GET TO A PATIO PARTY TO BEAT KIRKLAND MARGS AND WATCH 10 HOURS OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

The creeping summer just doesn’t want to end!

– Helen reports from Alabama:

This is at The Pig (Piggly Wiggly grocery chain) in Homewood, AL. They released this when there were still 115 days until Christmas! Unbelievable!

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That's it for this first Friday in September. I hope you're feeling great and ready for a full weekend of football and summer. Let's finish the work week on a high note. Let's take another 30 minute lunch break before heading back to the office to get a few things done, then head off for a quick nine minute break before a big meat dinner.

Have a great weekend.

Email: [email protected]

Numbers from:

Things you sent me & things I like: