Selena Gomez and the sadness of not being able to carry a baby

Selena Gomez has announced that she is unable to carry a child for medical reasons – an experience that can cause deep grief and is often overlooked in our society.

“I never said this,” Gomez told Vanity Fair in a cover story published online on Monday, “but unfortunately I cannot carry children of my own. I have many health issues that would endanger my life and the baby's life. It was something I had to grieve for a while.”

The 32-year-old Only Murders in the Building actress said she still plans to become a mother one day, but it just won't “necessarily happen the way I imagined it would,” she added.

“I thought it would happen like it happens to everyone,” she said. “I feel so much better about this. I feel blessed that there are wonderful people who are willing to do surrogacy or adoption, which are both great options for me. I'm really grateful for the other options for people who really want to be mothers. I'm one of those people. I'm excited to see what that journey will look like, but it will look a little different. At the end of the day, I don't care. It's going to be mine. It's going to be my baby.”

Grief over pregnancy is a legitimate grief

Grief experts previously told USA TODAY that women who discover they can't get pregnant often grieve what it would be like for them to give birth. While it's not the same as grieving the death of a loved one, it's still a painful experience.

“There is a hierarchy of what kind of grief deserves to be mourned or honored,” says Loree Johnson, a trained marriage and family therapist, adding that all forms of grief are valid.

Susan Youngsteadt, a social worker in Raleigh, North Carolina, previously spoke to USA TODAY about her experience when she discovered at age 25 that she carried a gene for breast cancer and made the decision not to have biological children.

While she said she has a loving partner who also has no problem with not having children, “this is something I'm actively seeking therapeutic support for and a community that supports me in not having children. And that decision is partly due to my health, it's due to the risks that exist in my family system, with both of my parents having a cancer diagnosis.”

More:At 25, she found out that she carried the breast cancer gene. Now she is mourning her motherhood.

As with all forms of grief, Youngsteadt said some days are better than others.

“Sometimes it's hard to separate the different experiences of grief,” she said. “But I think what we advise people in the clinic and therapy is to make space for each experience and take as much time as they need to cry or to have a ritual, to seek support for each thing and let it run its course. And then you can move on to the next thing.”

Coping with grief

Psychotherapist and podcast host Amy Morin previously told USA TODAY that talking can be helpful in dealing with grief, but not all talking is helpful.

“If someone is grieving another loss, such as the loss of hope after learning they cannot have a child, the information may be kept secret,” she said. “Other people may also minimize the impact of loss. This can slow the healing process.”

My dog died two months ago.The loss of a pet causes deep grief that is ignored by our society.

Grief creeps into our lives at inopportune moments. It leaves us feeling uncomfortable and unable to talk about it.

“People are afraid it might be contagious,” David Kessler, grief expert and founder of Grief.com, previously told USA TODAY. “For example, if I hear too much about my parents dying, that doesn't mean my parents are going to die soon. Or does it?”

More:Selena Gomez's revealing documentary gave her freedom: “She could no longer hide”

Youngsteadt never expected to be sad. Nobody does.

But “the older I get and the more grief touches my life, the more I think that's where I need to be,” she said. “And I think that's where I need to delve deeper. That's where I feel most at peace. That's where I feel – it's weird to call it comfortable – but that's where I really feel like I'm meant to be.”

Selena Gomez and the sadness of not being able to carry a baby

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Selena Gomez and the sadness of not being able to carry a baby

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