Stephen Colbert's new cookbook is also a master class in couples therapy

When did you first cook together?

SC: You're not going to tell the spoon story, are you?

I want to hear the spoon story. You allude to it in the book, but don't tell it.

SC: If it helps, we both find this story terrible.

EMC: We got married in Chicago. We lived in Chicago. It's exciting. Newlyweds. I don't even remember what I cooked. For our wedding, someone gave us a set of nonstick pans.

SC: Nice, heavy Calphalon nonstick pots.

EMC: They were trendy at the time. The year is 1993. I'm making something and I'm using a metal spatula.

SC: A metal spoon for scraping the bottom of the pan.

EMC: Stephen said, “I think we need to annul the marriage.” I don't think I scraped the pan, but he said, “We need to talk about spoons and pans right now.” And what did I learn from that? I will never stand in the kitchen with Stephen again.

SC: So this book is a miracle. It's a miracle that we managed to make this book together.

EMC: I'm not cooking with that asshole. He's going to be mean to me every time I do something.

SC: That's why I don't like it when she tells the spoon story because she says it makes her look stupid, but we all know that it makes me look like a complete Tools. It only took 30 years.

How do you differ as chefs?

EMC: I'm an insecure cook. A friend gave me an apron that said “No emo cooking” because she said, “You get so emotional.” Like, when we have people over for dinner, I'm like, “Oh, I don't know. Is it good? Is it not good? Will they like it?” I'm just a wreck. If I had to cook for myself, I wouldn't do it. I'd eat cereal.

SC: And when I have to cook for myself, I cook the most ambitious thing I can think of. And I explore a little idea in my head to see if it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I really enjoy it. I like the magic of it. Something becomes something else. It really is like magic, the alchemy behind it.

EMC: It relaxes you.

SC: Completely. It takes me out of my head and into my imagination because you have to have some kind of empathic relationship with the flavors. You have to imagine them saying hello to each other. And then the third thing comes when they do. I love that feeling. To me it feels like fishing. You don't know what's going to happen at the end of the line, but you kind of feel something at the end of the line.

EMC: Patience.

SC: I need more tolerance from my dishes.

SC: I'll have a crazy idea; I really think I want to do this thing. I really want to see what I could do with morels and parsnips, because something about those two feels right to me, and I'll experiment for a while until I find what I wanted. Or like pear and almond, what can I do with bourbon and filo pastry, and how can I bring more frangipane into my life?