I hid my husband's death from his mother

DEAR ABBY: My husband “Guy” and I had a happy marriage for 30 years, despite his mother disliking me and doing everything she could to undermine our relationship. Guy died suddenly in his sleep last month while we were vacationing in South Asia. I cut the trip short, but because I had to comply with local laws, arrange for his cremation and the repatriation of his ashes to the United States, and rebook an international flight, it took me five days to get home.

I decided not to tell anyone about Guy's death until I got home. I didn't feel comfortable with people finding out while I was halfway around the world. So when I was safely home, I immediately notified Guy's family and my own family and had an obituary published in the local newspaper.

His mother is angry with me for not telling her immediately. She sent me a vicious email calling me all kinds of profanities and even suggesting that I may have had something to do with Guy's death. I won't reply to her, but was it wrong to delay the announcement? Is there a rule that says his family is entitled to immediate notification? — SUDDEN WIDOW IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WIDOW: Guy's mother is grieving. Her anger may stem from the pain of losing her son. She may have liked to see him one more time before he was cremated, if that had been possible. If she really believes you may have had something to do with his death, offer her a copy of his death certificate.

And no, there is no etiquette for informing family of a person's death, although this is usually done at the time of the person's death. However, his mother should have considered the fact that you yourself were in shock and alone in a foreign country, which might explain why no one heard from you until you were safely home.

DEAR ABBY: I'm not exaggerating when I say that my son and his wife are slobs. Their house is dirty, the exterior is neglected, and their cars are disgusting. They both work, and I understand that, but my husband and I work, too, and we've always taken care of our home. That's the life my children were used to.

It's difficult to spend time in her house. We no longer stay overnight because the constant mess and dirt causes stress. My daughter has difficulty being in her house for the same reasons. I'm hoping for suggestions to help us maintain a good relationship but also to gently guide her. It's not a healthy environment for her two children either. — HORRIFIED MOTHER IN FLORIDA

DEAR MUM: Your son and daughter-in-law are busy and have different priorities than you. If they are as miserable at home as you say, I worry that the children growing up will think this is normal. If they are earning well in their jobs, they may be able to afford to hire someone to do the cleaning and yard work they don't have time for. You could gently suggest it to them, or offer to spoil them now and again. If they are not receptive, however, you may want to back off.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.