Summary “The Golden Bachelorette”, Season 1, Episode 2

Would you do Pascal's laundry? I heard he pays a hundred dollars. We're still in the process of weeding out these men, which means we're in the best part of the season, and even though we lost one of my favorites this week, Pascal can still claim the closet for one more day. We learned more about him this week, like that he hasn't done his laundry in forty years and that he sleeps naked, which I honestly didn't need to know.

The men have officially moved into the villa so they can see their sleeping arrangements. Someone says, “This is a huge property,” which is a real father statement that I don’t think has ever been said in Bachelor Franchise history. Jack is excited about the bar next to the pool. Someone sees the bunk bed and says, “That's special,” which is probably what I would say too. Nobody wants to sleep in the top bunk because nobody is ten, but also because they all have to get up several times a night to pee, and who wants to climb down a ladder to do that? Charles L. finally volunteers, because of course he does. Charles, I hope you have a line of women at your door when you get home, like the nannies in Mary Poppins. Then you can find the person you like best and tell the others, “The position is filled.” You deserve it, Charles.

There are five women in my household, if you count our two cats, so I know nothing about men's fashion, but I can tell you there are a whole lot of polo shirts in this group. They're wearing standard suburban dad attire for the first date card reading, which captures Gary, Bob, Jonathan, Charles L, Mark, Jordan, Keith, and Guy. These eight men go to the PROM with Joan and all get to pick out hideous tuxedos. Keith says he feels like a wizard, which is very confident of him. The only one who looks truly stunning is Gary, who chose the gold tuxedo. Jonathan, who has never been to prom and lets you know that several times this episode, opts not to wear a shirt under his jacket. Okay.

I didn’t go to my high school prom, partly because it was a Christian school where dancing was forbidden (like Unbound!) and we had to have “unofficial” dances, but mainly because it was my birthday and I wanted to go and Matrix Reloaded for the fifth time. NO REGRETS. This prom is not bad, except that the men have to do terrible solo dances for Joan and the crowd of strangers. But even that is okay, because they have Taylor Dayne sings. You guys!! It's Taylor Dayne! Did I know who she was before Tig Notaro made the 12 minute Taylor Dayne joke? No! But now she's famous to me. And also to all the people who love her music. And definitely to Tig Notaro. Getting Taylor Dayne up there to sing “Tell It to My Heart” is so much better than the usual franchise tradition of featuring whatever random country artist is sponsoring that week.

Joan chats with the men and I'll admit she and Mark are cute. Gary is Tina Turner's godson?? We find out Bob has a gay daughter and Joan says what strikes her about Bob is his acceptance. Okay. It feels weird to say that in 2024 about someone who has a gay child, but everyone has their own path. Bob then closes the episode by saying that Thanksgiving at his house is now “Dr. Bob and twenty-seven lesbians.” Someone is definitely bringing homemade hummus to this event and it's probably really good.

Jonathan talks about not being able to go to his senior prom, but okay, even though the editing hammers that home, the actual story is sad. He was the only black student at his Catholic high school and he asked a girl to go to prom and the week before she decided not to go. He says it “crushed” his ego and that night meant a lot to him. That's really nice, Jonathan! I wish you wore a shirt under your tux!

Charles L. is sitting on the sidelines, and I need someone to talk to Charles. He tells Joan that his wife died of a brain aneurysm six years ago and how he shut himself off until his daughters reminded him that he doesn't have to be sad for the rest of his life. Charles L. and Joan talk about allowing themselves to be happy, and later calls his daughter and tells her he went to prom and is having fun. CHARLES, I LOVE YOU.

The way this prom goes is that Joan names a prom king and he gets the rose for the group date. I 95 percent wanted Charles to be prom king, but I understand why it's narratively significant for Jonathan. I'm happy for him. I also want to see Charles become prom king and have everyone cheer for him. Then he smiles a little and tells his daughters about it later.

We have two more dates left in this episode, so we have to move on. Chock, who looks like he is going to be the mayor of Unbound city, is selected for the one-on-one interview and they go to Disneyland. Okay, look. I'm not a Disney adult, but I'm not not a Disney adult. That said, I love going to Disneyland without kids. Kids slow you down! How am I supposed to ride It's a Small World five times in a row when a kid starts saying they're bored? Bored of what? Mood? Anyway, I fully support this date, but I hate that it's Chock because I don't TRUST him. Also, his name is Chock.

Joan and Chock meet Mickey and Minnie, ride Big Thunder Mountain, go to Star Wars Land and talk to R2-D2. Chock tells Joan that he spends a lot of time in Florida. I believe that, Chock. They both like fishing and Joan is really looking forward to this date. She somehow has a great time with Chock. They have dinner at 21 Royal, a $18,000 Reservation at Disneyland, so I hope they appreciated that. Chock says today was “a blessing” (hmmmmm), and they talk about both losing partners and how she feels like she can feel safe again. Joan feels really connected to Chock, and he gets a rose. OK, good.

We are on our way to the second group date, the Golden Talent Showcase. Kim is ready to go because he has prepared a song. The guest judge is Loni Love and I say yeeeeeeeesssss. Loni Love is responsible for one of my favorite songs. Drag racing moments of all time, and I love the really bizarre moments when Drag racing And The Bachelor cross paths. She looks fantastic and says she hasn't seen such good-looking guys since her days in Cleveland. CLASSIC LONI.

Gregg makes some not-so-bad jokes, Charles K. punches through wood but accidentally hits Gregg in the stomach, Christopher does yo-yo tricks, Michael reads a poem, and Gil juggles. Get out of here, Gil!! Jack shows up with sock puppets and an act that Gregg describes as a car crash, but in the funniest way possible. Jack tells us to google Shari Lewis' puppetry, which is good advice. Pascal cuts a wig on stage, and Kim sings a song about rainbows and dreams that doesn't sound that great but must actually be sweet because everyone is freaking out.

Kim thinks he has the win, but then Dan comes, and Dan has been saying the whole time that he has a tremor and doesn't know it, but then he does a mediocre ribbon dance and everyone says WOW. So Dan wins. Kim and his giant digital watch are disappointed.

Instead of a cocktail party, we have a barbecue on the pool deck. Pascal and Jack give their opinions on the cooking, and frankly, I trust them. Pascal is French, and Jack runs a catering business! But they are portrayed as nosy guys, and we are supposed to spurn their advice. No one goes in the pool except Jack, who has a great time. Joan has one-on-ones with everyone, including Gil?? I thought the show mostly cut him out because of the restraining order. Why do we see this conversation about how much his wife loved him, The Bachelor? Someone I don't want to take anything away from, though, is Gary. Joan gives him a framed copy of her prom photo, and he calls her Sunshine and she calls him Goldy. I don't think they end up together, but I love that they have nicknames now.

Mark tells Joan how long he was stationed in Germany and asks her a few German phrases. Finally, he asks if he can kiss her. Joan says he can and should have asked her sooner. Mark says it's “more fun” to ask in German. That's probably true.

Okay, who's going home this week? We're losing four guys, and the costume department gave Joan a dramatic cape for this moment, which I appreciate. Getting roses: Mark, Gary, Pascal, Jordan, “CK” or Charles K., Keith, Gil (booooo), Charles L., Kim, Gregg, and Guy. So we're losing Michael, Bob, Christopher, and JACK. Joan tells Jack he's so damn fun, and he winks at her, and all the guys clap for him. Jack has no complaints about his time on the show; he had a blast, and “it was a beautiful thing.” He starts singing “My Way” again, and is joined by Christopher. Jack tells us, “That was a piece.” I'LL MISS YOU, JACK.

Using Michael Scott's Beach Games points system, each week I award 10 points, a gold star, and a thumbs up, and one person gets pushed into a river of chocolate.

• 10 points: To Bob and his home for wayward lesbians on the Marina Peninsula.

• Gold Star: To Charles L. for every moment he is on screen.

• Thumbs up: To Gregg, who seemed to simply accept the blow to the chest and also did not accept the blows from the naked Pascal because of his snoring.

• Pushed into a river of chocolate: GIL, DO NOT HARASS WOMEN.