My sister just accused me of “bullying” her obnoxious children. Forgiveness?

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Dear care and feeding,

My sister is going through her second divorce and has moved in with me. She has a 14-year-old daughter and a 10-year-old son. My daughter is 7 and more independent than both of them. They are glued to their phones 24/7 and act like toddlers when it comes to helping around the house. If you ask her to do her own laundry, vacuum her room, or prepare a meal, you're met with a dull look and a flat, “I don't know how to do that.” My sister just lets her get by, and she does that driving me crazy. She does everything but wipe their butts.

My niece just claimed she didn't understand how the washer and dryer worked, even though I showed it three days ago. I lost my temper and asked if she had been hit in the head and lost her memory or if she was just that stupid. She stomped out of the room and locked herself in the bedroom. When my sister got home, my niece started crying on cue and telling her how mean I was to her. My sister folded herself like a cheap suit and went shopping with my niece to cheer her up. When she came home we had a big argument. She accused me of “bullying” her children. I responded that she was pampering them rather than actually doing her job and raising them to be truly competent adults. My former brother-in-law's biggest complaint was how spoiled and “helpless” the children acted. My sister always undermined him when he tried to get her to behave right.

I understand that divorce and moving are difficult. I lost my husband two years ago and sometimes I wake up reaching for a body that isn't there but tasks still need to be done. I told my sister that she either had to get her kids in shape or move out. She accused me of trying to say she was a bad mother. I told her that my nephew doesn't “forget” which kitchen drawer the cutlery is in when he's asked to put the clean dishes away. I'm not asking about the sun and moon here. Just so the house doesn't look like a pigsty when I get home. Now everything in my house is just terrible. My niece and nephew ignore me when I talk to them and lock themselves in their rooms. My sister barely speaks to me and my daughter has started acting up. I'm so close to telling my sister that she has a month to find another apartment and I will use the law and the lease she signed to get her out. I can't live like this.

– Task war

Dear tasks,

First things first: I know you were frustrated, but what you said to your niece was completely inappropriate. You have to pay attention to your temperament. They may be annoying kids, but they're still kids. That being said, it sounds like this arrangement isn't working and your sister will need to find another place to live. One month is an overly aggressive schedule, especially since she hasn't saved for a move. Tell her that you can't continue like this and that she has to leave in three to four months. If she asks you to stay, tell her that this is only possible if there is a complete change in the way her children function in your home. You must form up or leave. When your sister realizes how serious you are about getting them out, she may finally make an effort to teach them how to be useful and respectful around the house.

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Dear care and feeding,

I have a 17 year old son, “Toby”. Toby has a relationship lasting several months with two girls from his school, “Nancy” and “Elspeth”, whom he refers to as a “throuple”. In their own right, they are nice girls. However, when you put them together, the problems begin. I'm not even sure how Toby ended up with them, as the two young women apparently dated first and he came into the picture later. But the core of the relationship, at least from my perspective, is that Nancy and Elspeth argue about incredibly trivial things – the last one was about which of them wore a certain brand of lipstick better – and Toby breaking up the inevitable arguments.

Toby has become more and more disturbed around them, and although he has never asked me directly for advice, he has complained bitterly behind their backs about how crazy he is going when dealing with their arguments. I've kept my mouth shut about it until now because I thought that while he might need advice, he wouldn't take any advice from his father. And from my memory of my age, I suspect that I too would have put up with a lot to have two girlfriends at the same time.

I want to support my son, but I also think that any concrete advice I could give is more likely to backfire than actually help. Is there anything I can do here?

– Join in?

Dear participation,

I think the fact that Toby has even told you about this matter is a sign that he might be ready to hear a word of wisdom from you; Many children would not expect their parents to accept such an agreement. Next time he complains about the girls, gently tell him that he doesn't have to stay in a situation that's stressing him out. Let him know that you can only imagine how cool it must have been to have two girlfriends at first, but that he doesn't have to put up with them “driving him crazy.” At his age, relationships should be fun, not annoying. Encourage him to talk to the girls and let them know that if they don't get along somewhat, this situation may no longer work for him. Maybe he'll listen to you, maybe he'll just remain dazzled by the novelty of having two partners; But at least you can remind him that this should only keep him stressed for as long as he wants.

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Dear care and feeding,

My son “Arnold” is having problems with another child in the class, “Connor”. Connor appears to be neurodivergent and has anger issues; About half the time he is in my son's class and the other half of the time he is in special education. My son and his classmates have been affected by Connor's anger issues on multiple occasions. For example, while my son and his classmates were playing telephone at lunch, one kid made a somewhat insulting comment about Connor (by my son's standards, it was rude, but not the worst thing someone of his generation could say), and Connor marched toward it The boy started beating and strangling him. It sounded like Bart Simpson insulting Homer and Homer picking him up by the neck and strangling him. Eventually he stopped and the other child was fine, but the damage was done. What really bothers me is that it seems like he's constantly getting slapped. I understand that it's easier for him to throw things out of whack and the teachers should treat him a little leniently, but he continues to do things he shouldn't be doing and that would get the rest of the student body in a lot of trouble . Should I report this to the district?

– Desperate near Dallas

Dear desperate people,

Start with your child's principal before going to the district. It is possible for teachers to address these issues without escalating them to the school administration. Let the principal know that you understand Connor's challenges but are concerned about his treatment of the other children. You should refer the matter to the district if the principal is not taking the matter seriously. If you can, reach out to other parents in your child's class and ask if anyone would like to join your complaint. In the meantime, encourage your son to report any behavior that makes him uncomfortable and to physically remove himself from Connor's presence if he ever feels threatened. While it is important to give children with special needs the opportunity to integrate into “traditional” classrooms, no child should be allowed to terrorize others.

– Jamilah

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