Neil Mackay: My personal stories about loneliness – and how we fight it

There's my neighbor. She never married, had no children, and when she retired, no one was there for her. She was a difficult woman, unkind to the neighborhood children, and quite mean, but when my family saw how she was struggling with old age, we tried to help her as much as we could. It's hard for me to see someone unhappy. But we couldn't do everything. Recently, she went into a nursing home. Now, unfortunately, she's all alone.

And then there's my aunt. Since her divorce, she has slowly shut herself off from the world and now lives a fairly isolated life. Her adult children have moved away. Relatives, including me, encourage her to go out, make friends, meet people, join a club – but she says she can't. She's afraid of rejection and that's terribly sad.

I have a good friend whose wife died a few years ago. It has become almost impossible for him to go out and socialize, although I and other old friends encourage him to do so. He says he can't stand it.

A young friend of my daughter struggled to get the job he wanted after college and withdrew from the world. The only sign of his existence is his digital presence.

I love or like all of these people – even my rather tough neighbor. The way loneliness has gripped and hurt them gives me a little pang in the heart. Without God's grace, I wouldn't be here, would I? Or you.

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Age, problems at work, dashed hopes, broken hearts, grief, moving, losing touch with friends – these life events that affect us all can overwhelm anyone and lead to depression, shattered self-esteem or soul-crushing anxiety. This creates fear, and fear can lead to isolation. And so begins the terrible cycle of loneliness as friendships fade and family grows distant.

In an age of atomization, where notions of extended family and community no longer exist, many of us find ourselves alone in times of crisis. This can knock someone down so much that they can hardly get up. More people now live alone than ever before.

We live increasingly online. But when the real world knocks on our door, the online world can't help. We are made of flesh and blood and need flesh and blood bonds to get us through.

The way children make friends has changed dramatically. In the 1990s, when my children were young, little ones played outside. In the 1970s and 1980s, I was never inside. Making friends is like exercise – you have to build muscle to do it right. Think of how we fall in love today: through apps. We're losing our skills when it comes to human relationships.

Nearly 30% of us feel lonely often or sometimes. As with anything, a little solitude can be good for you. You enjoy friendship all the more. Think about the times you've been away from home, perhaps on business, and how you missed your loved ones. Likewise, boredom stimulates creativity. But being lonely “often”? That hurts.

Over the years, I have become friends with some respected psychotherapists and asked them how people trapped in this state of loneliness can escape from it.

First, there is no shame in being lonely. All of us – even extroverts – will experience loneliness or difficulty socializing at some point. That's natural.

But persistent loneliness is due to irrational thoughts: ideas like “nobody wants to know me.” Such ideas usually arise during depression, often triggered by tough life events. As a result, depressive cycles deepen and isolation increases.

Therefore, it is important to break this “maladaptive cycle”. If you are lonely, you must first realize that such feelings are universal. Maladaptive thoughts (“nobody likes me”) cause maladaptive emotions (“I am unhappy and unloved”). This leads to maladaptive behavior: you do not go out, neglect friends and family, and reinforce the cycle of loneliness.

The first step is to realize that these maladaptive thoughts – “nobody likes me” – are wrong. Of course people like you. There is someone for everyone.

All of this advice from my psychotherapist friends is easier said than done. They know that. That's why loneliness is also called “the grey monster”: once it grabs you, it's hard to escape.

But there is hope. Therapy is not shameful. It should never have been. Perhaps we would not be in this situation today if people in previous generations had tried a little.

Millions of people now go to therapy on a regular basis. I went to therapy for extreme violence that I experienced while reporting on terrorism. If you hurt your knee, you go to the doctor, right? So if you're in pain in your soul, it's probably best to talk to someone who can help you. At least that's my belief.

Millions of us now go to therapy regularly (Image: PA)

There are ways for people like my neighbour, my aunt and my friend to beat the grey monster. Groups are being set up all over the country for people suffering from loneliness. In my GP surgery I have seen posters encouraging single, divorced or bereaved people to come together and just socialise or go for a walk in the park. Part of any recovery is knowing there is a way out. These support groups mean people can make new friendships that give them support.

I think it takes a lot of courage to break the cycle and join one of these groups. So if anyone reading this is suffering from loneliness and is thinking about it, just do it. I would also say it's smart to see a therapist to help you work through and deal with the issues that are causing your loneliness.

And lastly, I guess if you're lucky enough like me to have never fought the grey monster but know people who have, give them a call tonight. I just called my aunt and suggested she join one of those groups and when I've finished writing this I'm going to visit my old buddy and see if he's up for a chat.

Neil Mackay is the Herald's Writer at Large. He is a multi-award-winning investigative journalist, fiction and non-fiction author, filmmaker and broadcaster. His specialties are intelligence, security, crime, social affairs, foreign and domestic policy.