Let's start mining for gold because now is the time to launch your crypto token, Kid Rock

Featured in Issue 193, The Gold Standard Issue, accompanied by art from David Zwirner Gallery Exhibition David Zwirner: 30 years, now at the kiosk!

This email is for Kid Rock. I'm not sure who monitors the address [email protected], but be sure to send it to Mr. Rock. No one else should read past this paragraph.

Okay, business hours.

Hey, Mr. Kid Rock, this is Dan Toomey. I'm a crypto miner and entrepreneur from LA. I moved here to DJ at bat mitzvahs and marry rich, but after a drug-fueled rave party in Silver Lake last year, I've decided crypto is the future. I'm all in.

For context: We met at the Grammys after-party. You were passed out on Bruno Mars' lap and I gently poured water into your mouth and told you everything was going to be OK. You probably don't remember this, but we had a great time and you had an erection.

I wanted to revisit our conversation about the many celebrities launching their own crypto tokens. I just want to reiterate that now is absolutely the time for you to get in the game. Want to make mock tokens with me? Then read on.

Caitlyn Jenner has the $JENNER token, Iggy Azalea has the $MOTHER token, and Donald Trump has the $TRUMP token. Frankly, it's shocking that Kid Rock hasn't done this yet.

If you don't know what a crypto token is, here's a copied and pasted description from my notes app that I sent to the single moms I was trying to conquer on Bumble:

The three terms you need to know are cryptocurrency, crypto token and blockchain.

A blockchain is a digital ledger system that essentially records all transactions that take place using its technology. These records are made by people who digitally monitor the system. They are called crypto miners. You may also know them as incels.

A cryptocurrency is a way of representing value on a blockchain. Much like a blockchain's own dollar. This is why cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin run on their own blockchain technology. However, crypto tokens are different. They are essentially different currencies built on a blockchain ledger. Therefore, multiple tokens could exist on the same ledger, whereas multiple cryptocurrencies would not.

Hear that? That's the sound of digital money flowing into the pockets of your digital cheetah-print leather pants, Kid Rock.

The plan is that we will launch your own coin. Let's call it “Kid'sCoin”. In short: “$KIDS”.

$KIDS will represent an ownership stake in the Rock economy. It will show up on the Ethereum blockchain because apparently it's better for the world or whatever. I don't know. I learned about this stuff on Reddit about three weeks ago. It doesn't matter. What matters is that once this coin is made available to the world, we need to start pumping it into the stratosphere. That means a lot of shameless advertising. Your face needs to be on every major media channel there is in 2024 blabbing about $KIDS. I'm talking Twitter, Twitch, Rogan, YouTube channels run by 10-year-old toy reviewers from China – you'll be on all the cutting edge platforms spreading the good word of the coin: “BUY $KIDS TODAY! IF YOU DON'T OWN $KIDS YOU'RE BAD!!”

Like that. Do whatever you want. The crazier the better. Go on a podcast and say you love Mussollini. Speak in Ebonics. Arrive in a Tesla Cyber ​​Truck with some spray-painted boobs, denounce the Pope, then run over a baby. As long as you get some kind of attention, people will buy the coin. Why? Because you're a celebrity. People assume that if you're famous, you've done something right, even though you and I both know that's not true.

Just be careful. The more you promote, the more suckers will buy the token, the more its value will rise. You and I will of course own the majority of $KIDS, so we'll get richer in the process. Then when we feel it's peaked (maybe when the market cap hits $100 billion or so), we'll sell!

At about 2am we tweet that we got hacked overnight by Uzbek programmers and then sell everything we have. Suddenly the value of $KIDS drops to zero, we leave as billionaires, a few suckers get ripped off and in five years everyone has forgotten the whole thing. Believe me, this is literally what every other celebrity is trying to do with their token. You don't want to be left behind while Iggy Azalea gets drunk.

The best part is that no one needs to know anything about cryptocurrency to do this – not me, not you, and certainly not your fans. They'll just join in because you're the guy who wrote “All Summer Long.” Who rhymed “trying different things” with “smoking funny things”? You did, Kid Rock! To these losers, you're a god!

Simply put, it's the perfect plan with the perfect partnership. I'm an entrepreneur, you're a celebrity. There's no better combination to make money off this crap without even understanding it.

The ball is in your court now, kid. Let me know when you're ready to go.

Sincerely, Dan Toomey

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