We watched every minute of Cristiano Ronaldo's YouTube channel so you don't have to

Here at The athlete, We are fully aware of our responsibility to you, our dear readers, and we try to go above and beyond in serving the public.

This week alone, for example, we attended four Premier League games in four days to gauge the mood of the fans and clubs ahead of the new season.

We also scoured the country to tell poignant stories about lost football stadiums.

We also, in what was surely the most tedious and nerve-wracking task of all, watched every single minute of every video on Cristiano Ronaldo's official new YouTube channel so you don't have to. Yes, we know. You're welcome.

The channel launched a few days ago and, at the time of writing, already has more than 40 million subscribers – or, as they are called in Ronaldo's videos, “suuuuubscribers.” The sound we hear is your rolling eyes.

It says UR Cristiano, which means you are Cristiano. You're not Cristiano, of course, but he is, and he's not the shyest guy. So, as you can imagine, many of the 12 videos (and a number of “short films”) posted so far show a muscular, relentless focus on how incredibly awesome he is.

It's not all about him though. We also meet his partner Georgina (who you may or may not have spotted in her own Netflix series called I am Georgina… that's a theme) and his eldest son, Cristiano Ronaldo Jr. (the least surprising name for a child you'll ever hear).

But by and large, it's just the latest step in Ronaldo's seemingly unstoppable ego evolution, an insurmountable path of astonishing self-admiration that will probably only end with him buying the moon and writing “CR7” on it in giant letters visible throughout the galaxy.

You don't believe us? Then let's start with some video titles:

• “Learn EVERYTHING about us. Who will win?” (Nobody wins Cristiano. You just get a little better every time.)
• “This is how I felt when I discovered paradise… The Red Sea Project, Saudi.” (Definitely not a contractual advertisement for Saudi Arabia.)
• “This is how I deal with the pressure of being Cristiano.” (What is the first sign of madness, they say? Speaking in the third person.)

The videos vary in length from 24 seconds to three and a half minutes. If you're looking for meaningful insights into how Ronaldo became one of the greatest players of all time, what it takes to win five Champions League titles or five Ballon d'Ors, or even just basic information like who his toughest opponent was, then you've come to the wrong place.

There isn't even a recap of Al Nassr's 1-1 draw with Al Raed last weekend, or any thoughts on what it was like to score against goalkeeper Meshari Sunyur (who, in case you were wondering, doesn't yet have his own Wikipedia page).

What there is is a lot of forced grins, a lot of slightly uncomfortable glances into the camera, a lot of the word “siuuu” and a lot of short clips talking about his brilliance.

He gives one of his old Portugal goals a “SIUUUMETER”, he presents his kids with an award for fastest growing YouTube channel (he had over 20 million subscribers in 24 hours) and then he and Georgina sit down to talk about how great he is. No, really.

GO DEEPER

How Ronaldo made the legendary “SIU!” cheer his personal calling card

“I think it's a promising project with guaranteed success, like everything you do,” says Georgina in a completely spontaneous speech. “With your commitment and this magnetism that you have and that attracts people and this curiosity that you arouse in your fans and around the world, success is guaranteed, I have no doubt about that.”

It's completely normal to feel sick.

Ronaldo replies: “I'm also counting on your support because it's a pretty big project and you have a lot of male followers as well as a lot of female followers.”

This article is intended to explain the channel to you, but honestly this sentence is taken word for word and there will be no explanation. You are on your own.

But wait, there's a video called “How I Overcame Adversity in Life.” Hmm, sounds interesting. Might contain something substantial even though it's only 45 seconds long.

“I believe everything that happens in life has a reason,” says an English accent covering Ronaldo's speech at a press conference. “I have no problem saying that there have been bad times in my career. Regrets? I believe there is no time for regrets in this life. Life goes on. We learn from it. Regardless of whether things go well or not, it is part of our development as people.”

I mean, yes, so far, so philosophical. Then the screen switches to Ronaldo, who is slightly fouled by Frenchman Theo Hernandez during the European Championship this summer. He gets up and appears to exaggerate a head injury.

These are the adversities he has overcome in life.

“I'm thankful I had to go through some adversity,” the video continues, as we focus on the foul that didn't even result in a warning. “Because when we're at the top of the mountain, it's hard to see what's below us. Thank God I was able to see a lot of things and I'm thankful for that. And I'm a better person.”

He's a better person after the foul and he's at the top. I'm glad we got that sorted out.

So, next thing you know, “Cristiano Jr. dares to challenge me… with a free kick!”

This should be exciting, because Ronaldo's record for converted free kicks at major international tournaments is 60 attempts with one goal.

No, wait, look, he scored on his first attempt! Unbelievable. A shot from 20 yards into the top corner. That definitely happened in one take.

Cristiano Ronaldo fans hoping for must-see insights may be disappointed (Yasser Bakhsh/Getty Images)

Okay, it's time to finally learn something. We need substance and it seems we can only get that from “Nadal or Djokovic? Boxing or UFC? NBA or NFL? These are my passions!”.

In the one-minute video, Ronaldo stands with his hands in his pockets and tilts his head in the direction of the sport or person he prefers. FYI (spoiler alert): He likes NBA, UFC, tennis, F1, Michael Jordan, The Rock, and Tom Brady. Our Cristiano loves underdogs. He also completely botches the question about Djokovic or Nadal by answering neither. Nonsense.

We skip the Saudi Arabia advert where Ronaldo says that the Red Sea Project (a luxury tourist project of 90 islands on the west coast of Saudi Arabia) is his absolute favourite place because he is recognised everywhere else in the world and therefore enjoys the peace and quiet, before recommending that “the whole world” pay it a visit.

I'm losing the will to live here. Let's just try the part where he says we're going to find out “EVERYTHING” about him and his wife.

It's a game of Mr. and Mrs. and this time we have American accents as overdubs. Remember, they say we'll find out everything about them. That must be good.

The question is, what is Cristiano's favorite song? What will he play? “Loser” by Beck? “Where Is My Mind” by Pixies?

Oh. Georgina wrote: “It changes every summer.” Ronaldo wrote: “None.” We learned he doesn't like music. Great.

Okay. That's enough for about one day of internet.

What's the problem, you might say. It's just a bit of fun. More than 40 million people like it and most of them are probably children, which is probably the market they're targeting here. Good point. Go on, Cristiano. Do it yourself.

But the discerning football fan hoping to see a Louis Theroux-style look at one of the most successful sportsmen of all time will be sorely disappointed, because this prestige project has absolutely no substance and is, in short, a complete waste of time for any adult.

Thanks to The athleteHowever, it is not a waste of time. You are welcome.

(Top photo: YouTube/@cristiano)