Dear Annie: The grief over my mother's death makes me lead a double life

Dear Annie: I can't believe I'm asking for advice. Here we go! My mother, who I was very close to, died 21 months ago. Annie, my life has never been the same.

I took care of Mom when she unexpectedly got sick. I witnessed her last breath. I should be happy that I was the loving daughter and did the right thing for Mom and the family.

I attended a hospice grief group, then COVID-19 hit. Since then, my life has gone downhill and spiraled out of control. I no longer find peace, happiness, or contentment in myself—or anything else. I have fallen back into an unhealthy lifestyle of sex addiction that I spent seven years recovering from. I use fake intimacy with strangers to hide my pain. I am married to a wonderful man but in a relationship with an emotionally toxic man who is also an alcoholic. I live in two separate worlds. And yes, I am in psychiatric care and taking medication for my depression and bipolar disorder, to no avail.

How can I stop running and face my mother's death? I'm afraid I'm stuck in the angry stage of grief. I read your advice column every day. I hope you can give me some good advice. – Missing Mom

Dear Missing Persons: Please, my friend, stop telling yourself that you “should be happy.” Respect your grief. You lost your mother. Of course you are devastated. Grief is the natural reaction when someone we love dies.

You mentioned seeing a psychiatrist. I would also recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in grief and addiction. It sounds like the hospice group has helped you in the past. While in-person options are still limited, consider exploring online grief support communities, such as the forums at Depending on your age, you may also want to try The Dinner Party, an online platform that connects people in their 20s and 30s who are grieving the death of a loved one (https://www.thedinnerparty.org).

I also encourage you to read the book It's OK That You're Not OK by grief counselor Megan Devine. You may also learn something from Wild, an autobiography by Cheryl Strayed about her journey through addiction and recovery in the years following the loss of her mother. Words cannot express how sorry I am for the loss of your dear mother.

Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].