'Selling Sunset' Review, Season 8, Episode One

A friend of mine was recently on an ayahuasca retreat and he told me that the key to a good experience with hallucinogens is not to fight their effects: “If you see a demon, jump into its mouth.” I don’t know if perhaps the cast of Sell ​​sunset were all given the same advice before filming the first episode of season eight, but something definitely feels different, for the better. The participants of this project have battled its delirium in the past, never quite agreeing on how messy they should be, insisting on professionalism while shooting in a bra top, and throwing themselves into a bad trip. This chaos made the show feel dangerous and experimental at times, at least until the final season, which ended with the feeling that no one really wanted to do this anymore. But the premiere left me feeling like everyone finally got it: You can't avoid conflict on a reality TV show, because conflict Is the show. You have to jump into the demon's mouth.

The episode begins with Chrishell walking into a $38 million property, more colloquially referred to as a house. She boldly introduces herself to the three-person team that developed the place: Branden, Jason (not Oppenheim), and Preston, who I will refer to collectively as BRAJATON. Despite having a dead peacock in the middle of the living room, it's a perfectly fun house with a sword opening the door to a room full of disco balls. It got less funny when I googled it and discovered that BRAJATON had bought a house in 2016 that had cost $2.9 million and replaced it with a massive compound that's basically designed to be rented out for the kind of overpriced bachelor parties that destroy lives. Thanks, BRAJATON.

Anyway, Chrishell is here because Jason (Oppenheim's, not BRAJATON's) is there too, and he insists to BRAJATON that Chrishell can sell this house. For her part, Chrishell has to talk to Jason about how to get Bre to come back to the realtor's office. This is a typically masterful move by Chrishell, who has found her way into a storyline right at the start that isn't about her, but gives her a chance to be on camera and remind us all how beautiful we could be if only we had completely different lives and bodies. Hooray!

Next, we go to Mary and Romain's home, where we witness the traditional Los Angeles custom of having people over to their home to give them a service. Oh, how Los Angeles residents love to take advantage of their services! This time, Mary hired a tanning specialist to set up a tent in their home and spray them all: Mary! Nicole! Amanza! Even Romain! After the services are done and everyone is sprayed, Mary sits them down and reveals an argument she somehow already started with Chelsea. Apparently, Emma, ​​Mary, and Bre met up for a “content day” where they answered questions from followers on Instagram Live. When asked who the biggest troublemaker in the office was, Mary responded with Chelsea, which Emma later told Chelsea. While this is hardly an insult, Chelsea clearly saw her chance and took it. She sent Mary an angry text message that shocked the Bonnet household so much that even Romain felt compelled to intervene. Uncharacteristically, Mary seems to be in for this argument. Although she theorizes that “something else is going on with Chelsea” that is causing her to overreact, she also insists that she “won't let that get to her.” We then see a scene in the office where she is perfectly polite to Chelsea, because who is she kidding.

And what an office! This is the shiny new headquarters of the Oppenheim Group that the guys spent all their time and money building last season. It has more bathrooms, TVs in large picture frames, and a digital representation of fire next to what appears to be a real stack of chopped wood. Here we meet Alanna, the newest agent on the team, who at the tender age of 32 has already been in the real estate business for three years. That's literally all there is to know about her right now, and she has absolutely no chance of grabbing my attention when Chelsea is here with a truly incredible new haircut and 80 percent of her boobs.

In a twist that has the entire office intrigued, Jason and Brett are seen pitching the services of the Oppenheim Group to a new client. It's so strange to watch these men at work! What a novel experience! Jeff, the client in question, has a $29,900,000 home in Manhattan Beach and absolutely terrible hair. The Oppenheim Group can help with one of these problems, but first he must choose a realtor. Thus begins a bitter battle between Mary, Chelsea, and… Alanna? Okay. Yeah, sure. Get Alanna in there.

Each of the three meets Jeff—whose hair is still like that!—and his gorgeous wife, Jamie, to offer their services. Chelsea argues that she now lives in Manhattan Beach, Mary argues that she raised a child there, and Alanna's argument is that the sun of the American empire has set and only a steady stream of foreign investment could sustain a market where a house costs $29 million. She's not wrong, but she doesn't win the prize. Instead, it goes to Mary and Chelsea, in a tie after Chelsea overhears the couple talking about how much they like Mary and so sneaks back in to make up something about a buyer who suddenly wants to see the house right away. Chelsea is truly the last person on Earth I would ever underestimate.

• Jason invites Bre to a house with a wall made of living moss, which is the billionaire and also a total moss fanatic. There, in front of the moss, Bre asks Jason for a raise, which he refuses, before admitting that it's a real shame that she and Chelsea don't get along. That's all. That's the scene.

• A dramatic dog funeral is coming up and Alanna has a western town. Let's… the hell go? Let's go? I guess?

• “I didn’t know you had a swim trunks” – Mary to Romain, who is FRENCH. These are the people swim trunks are made for!

• Chrishell recalls detailed accounts from The Ring feels important, like a window into her psyche that I can't quite understand yet.