Believing You Deserve Safety: When True Crime Gets It Right

True crime series like those from Netflix The worst roommate ever And The worst ex ever seem exploitative at first glance. I mean, just look at the titles! Obviously they are meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator!

Yet the true crime genre itself can be deceptively deep. Beneath the mass-market sheen, both series excel at being compelling narratives of victimhood and survival. Too often in true crime, we are presented with a story that focuses on the perpetrator or murderer. The victims become trophies in his or her menagerie (usually his, if we go by statistics, although Netflix impressively brings some stories of terrible women to life here too). The story of what was done to them catches the victims like flies in amber.

With these two titles, Netflix abandoned the idea of ​​putting the villain at the center, thus avoiding the gross Ted Bundy effect where we were all supposed to be impressed by the “brilliance” of a psychopathic killer who had an easy time targeting women.

Instead, we see the victims become survivors and the people who care for them relive some of the worst days of their lives, showing us that they are bigger and more interesting than the terrible suffering they endured.

As terrible as these stories are – “Dating the Devil”, the first episode of The worst ex everwill probably stay with you for a long time – you will be quite impressed by many of its protagonists and the self-reflection they go through in front of the unblinking eye of the camera.

I know what it's like to tell graphic stories from my own life. I've experienced a number of incidents that unfortunately enable me to do so. I once decided to give a tough NPR interview about my rape by a fellow theater worker and the gruesome aftermath, and the interviewer told me I spoke as if I had a smile in my voice.

Of course I had a smile in my voice, humor and laughter are my way of dealing with stress, it is my defense mechanism and often my rhetorical weapon. Nevertheless, I found it so difficult to explain myself and terrible doubts crept over me. What if I was misunderstood? What if the listeners would conclude that I was a liar? I was staying with a friend in Manhattan at the time and could hardly go out on the street for a few days afterwards.

So I'm particularly impressed by how well the men and women Netflix tapped for these interviews hold their own. Angie, one of the heroines of Dating the Devil, and the woman who heroically rushes to her friend's side when her boyfriend is basically torturing her to death, is the kind of friend I think most women long for. She's not just loyal, she's a lion.

The story of Bo from “Burning Down the House”, which was told as part of the second season of The worst roommate everis another hit.

Not only is Bo the victim of betrayal and unbearable violence – he's nearly abandoned by a justice system that briefly decides that his near-fatal beating was actually the result of an accident. I wouldn't have blamed Bo if he'd been bitter as hell on camera. Bitterness, however, is a difficult tool for connecting a viewer to a story, and the larger takeaway from Burning Down the House is that Bo is a person with great reserves of strength and a role model for the son of the criminal who sought to destroy Bo.

This is a hopeful true crime novel that I like better than the corpse-snatcher novels that dominate much of the genre.

Naturally, The worst roommate ever And The worst ex ever are sensationalist in tone — that is not True Detective. But sensationalism can be a powerful tool in and of itself. The more people watch these things in one sitting, or even in some cases watch them out of hate (and I can honestly say this was not a hate watch for me), the more they will actually learn about the signs and patterns that dangerous people can exhibit, and how the justice system has a very hard time cornering sophisticated and manipulative criminals.

Yes, it is entertainment, but it is entertainment with a purpose. And I know this as someone who has worked with many victims of stalking. The lessons from The worst ex ever And The worst roommate ever are very similar to what I've told my clients over the years: Believe people when they show you who they are. Do your best never to be alone with someone who has already victimized you, no matter how remorseful they may seem. The police may not take you seriously at first, but it's still best to create a paper trail early on.

And, more importantly, you are not defined by the bad things someone has done to you. It is not yours, no matter how much someone wants you to believe that. Believing that you deserve safety – and I mean really believing it, in your heart, not just saying you deserve it – is the first realistic step toward safety.

Don't skip it.