Review of “Transformers One”: An origin story that nobody wants

Movie origin stories finally hit rock bottom this week with Transformers One, the super-violent toy movie that tells the story of how Optimus Prime and Megatron went from best friends to enemies. Did anyone ask for this? Did Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner charge too much?

The computer-animated “Transformers One” is out of date, a reminiscence of a few years ago as Hollywood popular IP for forgotten heroes mined, built overly complex worlds and then ramped up the action so that audiences were turned off by a blurry battle scene. But Transformers One isn't good enough to watch on an airplane, even a transpacific flight. The boarding pass is better.

A map isn't a bad idea, actually: you might need some sort of guide for this one – anyone unfamiliar with Cybertronian folklore will be thrown helplessly into references to Energon, Alpha Trion, Quintessons, and something called the Matrix of Guidance. You'll walk into a conversation.

Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari's story is basically the biblical Cain and Abel with a detour into the Roman Empire, and the mythology of Hasbro's characters seems to be a series of never-ending epic battles between good and evil. Some things just seem odd, like why these robots need a gym or why they get breathless after running.

The main heroes here are sidekicks Orion Pax and D-16 – who end up becoming sworn enemies Optimus Prime and Megatron – and we meet them when they're just lowly miners, basically non-transformable bots who dig for energy reserves cleverly called Energon. This is a society where the upper class is made up of Transformers who stomp around and preen, while the lower class does dirty work like scouring garbage.

They all serve Sentinel Prime, the leader of the underground Iacon City, who is not what he seems. He is apparently the last of the Primes and lives in a marble palace where he offers the humans below spectacles for a change, like an epic street race. It exudes the atmosphere of the ancient Roman Colosseum.

Orion Pax (with the puppy-like voice of Chris Hemsworth) is not happy with this life. “There has to be something I can do,” he says. “Aren't you sick of being treated like you're nothing?” Brian Tyree Henry speaks D-16 with skepticism and resignation.

The two friends join the mining manager Elita-1 (Scarlett Johansson, bland) and Keegan-Michael Keys B-127 (which later Fan favorite Bumblebee) to travel to the planet's surface, find the Matrix of Leadership (a sort of necklace that might have been sold in the Sharper Image catalog), and receive a hero's welcome. But they learn some unpleasant things about the ruler from Transformer elder statesman Alpha Trion (the instantly recognizable Laurence Fishburne).

Director Josh Cooley, who co-wrote “Inside Out” and directed “Toy Story 4,” never lets the action stop — and that’s not a compliment. The camera pans constantly, and the violence — assault weapon lasers, booming guns, mild torture, crunching martial arts moves, hitting a rival with his own amputated body part and incessant pounding — is sickening. (“Please stop punching me in the face” is a joke here.) If Transformers ever bled, this would be an R-rated movie.

The extreme violence masks some pretty robotic—sorry!—dialogue. Why do all these movies show the Transformers with cool upgrades like laser knives, but continue to speak in stilted, operatic prose? “I want him to suffer and die in the darkness,” “They will be your undoing,” and “Cybertron’s future is in your hands.”

Of course, there are some good moments too. When our gang of misfit bots are upgraded to become Transformers, they are cutely unsure how to do it seamlessly at first, and their limbs strangely come into contact with vehicle parts. Anyone who has ever played with the toys knows the feeling. And Key never fails to make us smile and proves himself to be a masterful comedic voice actor.

The other actors – including Jon Hamm and Steve Buscemi – are barely audible, and the film’s main song – “When I fall” by Quavo, Ty Dolla $ign and Brian Tyler's Are We Dreaming – feels like AI wrote both the uninteresting rap-rock beat and the cheesy lyrics (“I'm the alpha, omega, got lights on me, Vegas.” Vegas?)

The saddest thing about Transformers One is the waste of yet another boring foray into a universe aimed at kids just learning to transform. The lesson here, unfortunately, is that friends can become enemies overnight, and you only win if you hit someone hard enough. “We're better than this,” Orion Pax screams at his sudden rival at one point. No, they're not.

“Transformers One,” a Paramount film that opens in theaters Friday, is rated PG for “continuous sci-fi violence and animated action, as well as language.” Running time: 103 minutes. Half a star out of four.