Manchester United v FC Twente: Europa League – live | Europa League

66 min “If this blog is the result of machine learning based on the output of one Rob Smyth,” says Matt Dony, “then I would have expected at least one Sopranos reference.”

All due respect, you got no effin’ idea what it’s like to write a football liveblog. Every decision you make, effects every facet of every other effin’ thing. It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end, you’re completely alone with it all.

64 min Ugarte overruns the ball in the area but then crunches a defender to win a corner. He’s had a decent game, and his style is slightly reminiscent of Remi Moses. Now all United need is for Kobbie Mainoo to become Bryan Robson.

62 min Rots gives Bruno Fernandes a good reason to go down by planting his studs into the achilles. That looked painful and he should really have been booked.

61 min Zirkzee and Dalot, who has spent most of the night in central midfield, combine neatly to find Rashford on the left side of the area. He tries a first-time curler across goal that is well blocked by Van Rooij.

61 min: Double substitution for Twente Daan Rots and Mathias Kjolo replace Sem Steijn, which is a surprise, and Michel Vlap.

60 min The Twente fans appeal for handball when the corner hits Fernandes. Nobody on the field seems too interested. It eventually leads to another corner, which is headed over by the backpedalling Hilgers at the far post. An awkward chance.

59 min The resulting free-kick is 25 yards from goal, to the left of centre. Steijn curls a decent, dipping effort towards the far corner that is pushed behind by the diving Onana. I think would have hit the post anyway but he couldn’t take any chances.

58 min Martinez wipes out some poor sucker in a white shirt and is rightly booked.

57 min With nothing much happening on the field, this is a good time to reveal that, in a groundbreaking experiment, this live blog is being written by Artificical Intelligence.

The Guardian has created an exclusive blogbot, Mr Bloggy, which has been fed every minute-by-minute report that Rob Smyth has written since 2004, and this is the result.

55 min One-nil can be a dangerous lead, almost as dangerous as 2-0, but right now United are in control and keeping Twente at arm’s length.

53 min Amad slithers away from Salah-Eddine, who recovers to make a desperate and vital challenge in the area. The resulting corner bounces nicely for Maguire, who twists to smack the bouncing ball straight at Unnerstall from eight yards. Decent chance.

51 min A decent little spell for Twente. Vlap’s cross is headed away by Maguire, but United lose possession and Twente pick up where they left off.

48 min A deft touch from Zirkzee releases Dalot, who tries to run through the entire defence before running out of room on the edge of the area. Zirkzee’s link play can be really neat.

46 min And they’re off. No substitutions, not one.

“Please don’t knock the faint whiff of sterile domination,” says Jason Jawando. “I’ve had many a successful night on the town after splashing on a bit of sterile domination because I’d run out of Brut.”

That’s funny, which makes me even more ashamed to admit I can’t read it without the voice in my head shouting: ‘Yeah but it doesn’t work because if it was an aftershave it’d be a proper noun so the S and the D would be capitalised like the B in Brut. You’re welcome.’

This is what I have to live with, every day.

“Erik ten Hag treats objects like women,” says Gerry Scott, and if you haven’t seen The Big Lebowski you may wonder what the blessed hell he’s talking about.

He and I, meanwhile, may wonder what the blessed hell you’ve done with the last 26 years of your life.

“Just noticed Erik ten Hag scribbling a note on a scrappy bit of paper in the rain with a four-colour biro,” says Aran Scutcher. “He looks like he’s about to rush out the house to go to the supermarket. This is a multi-billion dollar business, ETH is paid millions and it’s 2024. Surely there’s a better way to record his tactical observations?”

Do we know they’re tactical observations? I assumed he was doing a Jackie Treehorn scribble to keep himself entertained.

Half time: Man Utd 1-0 FC Twente

44 min Steijn wins a corner for Twente, which leads to another when Rashford hacks the ball behind. The second corner is hung up towards Hilgers at the far post. He heads it down and United clear. You can’t get the set-piece coaches these days.

42 min Twente’s attacking threat has faded as the half has progressed, though they are still trying to make something happen. They haven’t lacked belief, only a bit of Roy Keane’s favourite word.

40 min After a patient, well-worked move from United, Mazraoui’s low cross is too close to Unnerstall.

39 min “I’m sorry, but this is a Jack conspiracy of the highest order,” thunders Matt Dony. “Cardiff may be damp, but Swansea? Swansea is on another meteorological level. Perpetually grey and drizzly and grim. Astonishingly so. Big Weather have a lot to answer for.”

Big Weather? I’m sure I heard them on 6 Music earlier.

37 min The goal was the first shot on target by a United player. They haven’t played badly, I should stress that, but their performance has hit a whiff of our old friend sterile domination.

Bruno Fernandes fired a pass into the area for Dalot, who couldn’t quite control it on the run and was tackled by Hilgers. The ball ran loose to Eriksen, 15 yards out to the left of centre, and he sizzled a first-time drive into the far top corner. Lovely goal.

GOAL! Man Utd 1-0 FC Twente (Eriksen 35)

33 min Amad’s corner from the right is overhit and collected by Rashford on the far side. He nutmegs Van Wolfswinkel with a beautiful elastico, moves into the area and tees up Martinez, whose shot is blocked.

32 min The right-back Van Rooij cuts inside, beats Rashford and Fernandes with ease but shoots straight at Onana from 20 yards.

29 min It sums up United’s performance, which has been bright at times but without much penetration, that their only decent effort on target came from a Twente defender.

26 min: Brilliant save by Unnerstall! Fernandes drills a long, angled cross towards Martinez, still up following a corner, and he heads it down towards Zirkzee. Hilgers gets in front of Zirkzee, panics and punts a confused volley towards the top corner of his own net. Unnerstall reacts marvellously to leap to his left and claw the ball behind. That’s a seriously good save.

25 min Dalot is fouled 30 yards from goal. United take the free-kick short and do nothing with it.

21 min Sem Steijn, Twente’s No10 and best player, has been quiet so far. If he gets on the ball, there could be something in this for Twente because United aren’t really creating much.

18 min Amad slows down to draw a defender towards him, then skips elegantly away from him and into the box. His cutback deflects to Fernandes, whose shot is well blocked. The ball ricochets about a bit until Eriksen has another effort that deflects through to the keeper.

16 min Salah-Eddine moves into the area and has a shot smother by Mazraoui. He looks a useful attacking left-back.

15 min The away end are making a fine noise, and their intrepid team are giving them plenty to shout about. A neat, precise counter-attack ends when Vlap’s awkward cross is cleared well by Dalot (I think) at the far post.

13 min Bruns is booked for a foul on Amad.

12 min “Not sure Orkney counts as a city, so the Google citation probably still stands, at least vis a vis Orkney,” says Richard Hirst.

This, folks, is why you should always read emails properly before mouthing off. Even if you are trying to liveblog an association football match at the same time. Less is more, goodnight.

11 min Rashford plays a neat one-two with Zirkzee, whose return flick behind his standing leg is a thing of defensive-splitting beauty, and slides a low cross that is cut out. Rashford looks lively.

9 min A United corner breaks for Rashford, whose snapshot is well blocked.

8 min: Just wide from Lammers! The corner isn’t cleared properly, with Dalot losing the ball near the corner flag on the other side. Van Rooij crosses early towards the near post, where the unmarked Lammers opens his body to guide a left-foot shot across goal. It beats Onana and rolls this far wide of the far post. At first I thought it kissed the post but replays suggest otherwise.

7 min Van Bergen plays in the overlapping left-back Salah-Eddine, who scoots into the area and is well tackled by Mazraoui. Corner to Twente…

5 min “I have no comment on the match itself, I just wanted to note that though a cursory Google search revealed Cardiff as the wettest city in the UK,” says Matt Burtz. “I find that hard to believe when every MBM from a game in Manchester seems to indicate both 1) that it’s raining and 2) that it’s raining quite hard.”

Having lived in the otherwise beautiful Orkney for almost six years, I would like to offer both you and Google outside. There were some days when the window for a dry dog walk was about 10 minutes.

3 min Ugarte overhits a crossfield pass to Rashford, although it was a good spot. He’s made a bright start – as have Twente, who look confident and up for a bit of gianticide.

1 min Ugarte shows why United bought him by reading and intercepting a pass inside the first minute. Er, that’s it.

1 min And they’re off. United are kicking from left to right as we watch.

The players are about to walk into the moist Manchester night. As they do so, here’s a reminder of the teams.

Man Utd (4-2-3-1) Onana; Mazraoui, Maguire, Martinez, Dalot; Ugarte, Eriksen; Amad, Fernandes, Rashford; Zirkzee.
Substitutes: Bayindir, Heaton, De Ligt, Mount, Hojlund, Garnacho, Casemiro, Antony, Evans, Mainoo, Collyer.

FC Twente (possible 4-2-3-1) Unnerstall; Van Rooij, Hilgers, Bruns, Salah-Eddine; Regeer, Vlap; Van Wolfswinkel, Steijn, Van Bergen; Lammers.
Substitutes: El Maach, Tyton, Lagerbielke, Kjolo, Kuipers, Eiting, D Rots, Van Hoorenbeeck, Mesbahi, Ltaief, M Rots, Besselink.

Referee Simone Sozza (Italy)

On this day in 1982… Man Utd and Arsenal drew 0-0 for the fifth time in seven games. But the players would soon kick some life into a dying fixture.

It’s now hosing it down in Manchester, if you’re interested in that sort of thing.

On this day in 2001… United got a taste of their own medicine.

Opta’s computer makes Man Utd sixth favourites to win the Europa League. Interesting to see Slavia Prague above them. Isn’t it?

There’s loads of football tonight in the Europa League and Carabao Cup. You can follow those games with Yara El-Shaboury.

Read Jonathan Wilson on Man Utd

The nature of the modern United is that they cannot be trusted. They will inexplicably fail to do the basics of defending. They will contrive comical ways to have goals ruled out for offside. They will waste opportunities. In part it’s quality, in part it’s mentality, in part it’s the area where the two meet, and in part it’s confidence.

Last week we scored seven against Barnsley, we are capable of scoring many goals, but it’s a part of the game we have to improve.

Team news: Ugarte starts

Preamble