Joan Vassos felt like she was 'cheating' on her late husband on 'Golden Bachelorette' (exclusive)

• Joan Vassos was in Gerry Turner’s season of The Golden Bachelor following the death of her husband John, with whom she was married for 32 years, but early in the season to be with her daughter after the birth
• The mother of four tells PEOPLE that after her husband's death in January 2021, she “didn't accept the whole grief thing” and “felt really guilty” when she started trying to contact her husband. Golden Bachelorette Free
• The first season of The Golden Bachelorette Premieres on Wednesday, September 18, at 8 p.m. on ABC

The Golden Bachelorette served in part as grief therapy for lead actress Joan Vassos, whose husband John, to whom she was married for 32 years, died of pancreatic cancer in January 2021.

“My husband died during COVID and I didn't really accept the whole grief thing,” Vassos, 61, tells PEOPLE. “I had to be strong. I just pulled myself together and ignored it.”

The mother of four wanted to attend group therapy at the time, but was unable to find one due to the pandemic. However, when she started making contacts, The Golden Bachelorette“I had to deal with it,” Vassos says of her grief. “You could clearly see that I felt really guilty about having feelings for someone else. I almost felt like I was betraying John, which is crazy because he died.”

Vassos says that before he died, John told her, “I want you to find someone. You are the greatest wife in the world. I don't want you to be alone. I want you to find someone.”

Nevertheless, Vassos – who starred in Gerry Turner’s season of The Golden Bachelor and left in week 3 – admits that more than three years later she felt “uncomfortable” continuing. Working with The Golden Bachelorette'The team of psychiatrists helped.

“They said, 'You don't have to let go of John. Think of it this way: You have two balloons, one in each hand, and John is in a balloon in that hand, and in that hand is your potential person that you're going to fall in love with. You don't have to let him go from that hand to pick this one up and have a life with this one,'” Vassos recalls. “And it was such a good lesson.”

Afterwards, Vassos was able to speak openly about her husband with her admirers.

“You're trying to build a relationship with someone else and you don't want to talk about your deceased spouse, but keeping his memory alive didn't seem weird to me,” she says. “I felt comfortable finally doing it. I talked about how funny he was and stuff like that, and I think the guys really appreciated that.”

Vassos says her conversation about John gave the men in her squadron who had suffered similar losses permission to address their deceased spouses as well. “It opened the door to talk about people who were really important parts of your life,” the private school principal says. “You can't ignore it. It's going to be there. Talking about it and letting it out almost makes it more joyful.”

This was a big step forward on Vassos' path of grief.

“Before, I couldn't think about him anymore and didn't even have a picture in the house that I could see every day – I had pictures in the guest room and other parts of the house that I don't see every day – and now I'm much better,” Vassos says.

Now the reality star likes to pay tribute to her late husband by telling stories about him.

“Writing his name on a bench or planting a tree is not enough,” she says. “So I said: Do you know what I think he would like most? That you don't forget him. Tell me stories. That doesn't hurt me anymore, it makes me happy.”

Ultimately, the role of the Golden Bachelorette “healed me,” says Vassos. “This journey opened me up to love. And in the middle of the journey, I realized that I wasn't actually there when I arrived, but I got there.”

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The Golden Bachelorette Premieres Wednesday, September 18 at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.