‘The Golden Bachelorette’ recap: Rollercoaster of love

This week on The Golden Bachelorette, the dates began, the men adjusted to living in cramped quarters, and one lucky gentleman was crowned prom king. Let’s recap!

It’s move-in day, rose lovers, and the 18 remaining men are so happy, they’re raising a champagne toast to everything from Medicare to Joan herself.

“This is a massive piece of property,” marvels Guy, as he and Christopher stroll the grounds. “You’ve got a little putting green over here, and a beautiful pergola.”

Once the guys get into the bedrooms, however, their enthusiasm wanes a bit. “Oh, my. This is special,” notes Bob, checking out a bedroom crammed with four bunk beds. Immediately, the negotiations over who will have to take the top bunks begins. Gary says he “just can’t” do a top bunk — “my knees!” — while Guy warns that he sometimes gets up five times a night (!) to pee.

Charles L. — a.k.a. the Internet’s senior boyfriend — listens to all this age-related complaining with a bit of bemusement. “Looks like age-wise, probably I’m the oldest one,” he says. “But health-wise, seems like I’m the most fit person. So, I volunteered to sleep on the top bunk.”

Uh-oh, do you hear that, rose lovers? Sounds like there’s some commotion over by the hall closet. Pascal, you see, needs more space. A lot more space. “How am I going to fit my clothes in here?” he cries.

And things are about to get worse for our Frenchman, who hasn’t done his own laundry in decades. “Who can help me do my laundry? I have no idea how to do it,” he frets to Charles K., Gregg, and Dan. “I’ll pay you $100 a load!” Gregg’s all, Sold! At least Gregg won’t have to wash and fold any of Pascal’s pajamas.

Of course he does.

Before we can learn any more TMI tidbits, Jesse Palmer arrives to greet the men and give them a rundown of the week. On the docket: Two group dates, and one “magical” one-on-one date. Since most of the men aren’t familiar with the show, Palmer also explains that if the man on the one-on-one date doesn’t get a rose, he will be sent home “immediately.” The room goes quiet for a minute, and then…

Oh, my Lord — this man is a TREASURE. Palmer explains it all again, and this time, the men understand. Time for the first date card! The inaugural Golden Bachelorette group date goes to: Gary, Bob, Jonathan, Charles L., Mark, Jordan, Guy, and Keith. Oh, and it’s a good one, rose lovers.

Hell yeah! The men get all gussied up in their flashy duds (read: lots of velvet, paisley, ruffles, pastels) and meet Joan in the driveway.

And with that, it’s off to the Golden Prom. Jesse greets Joan and the guys and announces that the man Joan chooses for Prom King will receive the group date rose. But first, a dance-off, facilitated by none other than Taylor “Tell It to My Heart” Dayne!

Honestly, I think the entire dance-off can be summed up in one simple GIF:

Incredible.

The men are having a great time, posing with Joan at the photo station, spiking the punch, and perusing all the photos from their own high school days that producers have displayed around the room.

Not all the memories are happy ones, however. Jonathan recalls being the only student of color at his high school, and during his senior year, he asked a fellow student to prom. She said yes, but a week before the dance, she backed out. “That completely destroyed my ego,” Jonathan confesses to Joan.

It was her loss, sir! Joan listens sympathetically. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, and carried it for so long,” she says. “Thank you for sharing that.” Now that he’s gotten a chance to go to this TV prom, Jonathan says his heart is “healed.” Are you crying yet, rose lovers? You know I am.

As the night goes on, Joan gets to know the other men a little better. Bob, who has a gay daughter, says that at Thanksgiving, he calls his house “the Marina Peninsula Home for Wayward Lesbians.” Come ON, that is adorable!

And the amazing revelations keep on coming for Joan. She learns that Jordan went on a date with Taylor Dayne five years ago (yes, she remembers him), and that Gary is the godson of Tina freaking Turner.

Incoming heartbreak alert:

Why isn’t anybody dancing with Charles L.??? “Prom is a little bit new to me,” he says. “In general, I’m a very confident person, but after my wife passed away, sometimes I shut myself [off], and isolated in a sense, because of the sorrow and the sadness.”

Is this show trying to kill me? SOMEONE HUG CHARLES L. RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT!

Fortunately for my tear ducts, Joan pulls Charles L. for a chat. He lets her know that his wife died suddenly almost six years ago — and she was the only woman he ever dated and loved. (Sob!) “Since the passing of my wife, I was very sad,” he says. “But one or two years ago, my daughters tried to talk me out. ‘You can be sad, but not sad for the rest of your life.’” And just like Jonathan, Charles L. is feeling the healing power of prom. “Today is the happiest day with me since my wife passed away,” he tells Joan.

Hell yeah! Now go hit that dance floor, Charles L.!

No, we are NOT going to talk about Charles’ phone conversation with his daughter. I’ve already cried enough tonight! I tell you, rose lovers, there aren’t enough boxes of Kleenex in the world to get me through this show.

At last, it’s time for Joan to choose her Prom King. And the winner is…

The way all the men cheered — genuinely! — for Jonathan when she called his name… It wrecked me. “Dancing with Jonathan… I just feel special in his arms,” says Joan. “He’s a good man. Somebody I could possibly picture a future with.”

The next morning, the guys are waking up slowly. It’s a beautiful day, but no one slept that well — and if you ask Pascal, it’s all Gregg’s fault. “Apparently, I’m a snorer,” Gregg says good-naturedly. “But it was very startling to a naked Frenchman punching me. On the other hand, I can’t say that that’s the first time that’s ever happened.”

Welp, gentlemen, you’ll have plenty of time to nap today, because Joan’s going on a one-on-one with Chock. Cue the synergy!

That’s right, rose lovers. It’s the Happiest Place on Earth™. As Joan and Chock stroll through Disneyland hand-in-hand, they bond over their mutual love of fishing, soar through the air on the Dumbo ride, and share a churro. “We’ve got so much in common. We’ve got the same values, the same morals,” says Chock. “I like her, and I want to get to know Joan better.”

Additional IP synergy alert!

Joan and Chock end their day with a spin on Big Thunder Mountain, and then a conversation about the importance of fun. “I feel great about today,” says Joan. “You’re pretty darn fun.” Awwww, I’m kind of shipping these two. How about you, rose lovers?

That night, Joan gets all glammed up in a Cinderella gown, and she meets Chock at 21 Royal for a “one-of-a-kind Disney experience.” (Translation: The private dining club that costs $18,000 a meal for up to 12 people.)

Over dinner, Chock tells Joan all about his first marriage, which lasted 12 years. “We just weren’t really a fit,” he explains. Three years after that marriage ended, Chock met Kathy. “We were together for nine years, and we were engaged,” he continues. “And then I got a call from her son, and he said, ‘I need you to come to the hospital.’”

Long, sad story short: Kathy was diagnosed with Glioblastoma. Five months and four days later, Kathy passed away. “It was the only time I really showed vulnerability or broke down,” says Chock. Prior to her death, Kathy urged Chock to go on with his life after she was gone. Joan can relate. “John got sick, and he just got sicker and sicker,” she recalls. “I would not cry in front of him. I would go in my closet and cry.” But John knew what was coming, and a few days before he passed away, he told Joan, “I want you to find somebody.”

Time for a cry break. Back in a second, rose lovers…. Okay, I’m good. For now.

Chock wants Joan to know that she reminds him of Kathy, and of course she LOVES it. “I don’t necessarily believe in fate, but sometimes it surprises me,” she admits. You know what happens next, folks:

A date rose and a Disneyland fireworks extravaganza.

We interrupt this recap with some breaking news: The garbage disposal at the Bachelor mansion is broken! But fear not: Kim, the retired Navy officer, is already on it.

“As captain of the ship, you just tend to want to fix the things that are broken,” he says. “Besides, it gives you something to do.”

Put down the Allen wrench, Kim! You and Gil, Dan, Christopher, Jack, Charles K., Gregg, Michael, and Pascal are due on the second group date of the week — and it’s a talent show. Get your butts to the High Street Arts Center ASAP!

“Tonight, I want everyone to have a good time, and just show me your fun side,” says Joan, speaking from the stage where each man will show off his talent (or lack thereof). The Golden Bachelorette, as you may recall, won the first annual Golden Talent showcase and earned a one-on-one dinner with Gerry. Similarly, the winning act tonight will also share a meal with Joan.

Who will impress her (as well as guest judge Loni Love)? It’s going to be close. Gregg kicks things off with a stand-up routine: “I am the captain of Team USA… Unfortunately, ‘USA’ stands for ‘Untreated Sleep Apnea.’” Legitimate LOL! Charles K., meanwhile, breaks a board — and possibly some of Gregg’s ribs.

Christopher shows off his yo-yo skills, Gil juggles, and Michael recites an original poem. “From there,” says Gregg, “it got stupider and stupider, in the best way possible.” Exhibit A:

Jack chose to reenact the Gregg-Pascal snoring drama with sock puppets — and let me tell you, the Frenchman did NOT love it. “I don’t think it was funny,” he sniffs. Speaking of Pascal, he shows off his hairstyling skills (on a wig, thank goodness), and Captain Kim, bless his patriotic heart, serenades Joan with an original song: “Will we find love together?/ Or maybe just be friends?/ Could I perhaps be the one/ who’s at your rainbow’s end?”

The crowd lets out a collective “Awwwww…,” and Joan gets up to give Kim a smooch in front of everyone.  

Oh boy, can anyone beat that? Poor Dan, who has what’s known as a familial tremor, follows Kim, and he is very anxious about getting on stage. His talent is ribbon dancing — and Dan chose it for a reason. “I’m not nervous. I’ve got a little bit of a tremor,” he explains to the crowd. “So, when I looked at these, I thought, ‘This is perfect for my shaky hands!’”

The crowd can’t help but cheer for Dan as he twirls his ribbons with gusto, beaming and dancing around the stage. It’s very sweet. Joan thinks so, too, and she crowns Dan the winner. The other men are disappointed — Kim especially. “I’m feeling sad,” he admits. Buck up, sailor! You did a great job. And hey, at least you get to go home to a working garbage disposal.

At dinner, Dan reveals that he’s diabetic, and at one point he got so sick, “every organ in my body started to fail.” The doctor even told him he only had six months to live! It was the wake-up call he needed, and Dan stepped away from work so he could focus on taking care of himself. Today, his diabetes is under control, and he’s in good health. “Everything is more meaningful to me and deeper,” says Dan. “Also, I find things a lot funnier too, because life really is funny.”

To no one’s surprise, Joan gives Dan the date rose. After that, they share a smooch and a slow dance.

Ugh, I wish every single guy could “win.”  

It’s rose ceremony day! But instead of a formal cocktail party, the guys are doing a casual cookout at the mansion. All the men are in peak grill master mode — Pascal has thoughts on how the corn should be cooked; Jack is appalled that Christopher is putting barbecue sauce on the hamburgers; Mark thinks Keith is leaving too much silk on the corn he’s shucking — but fortunately Joan shows up before things get too heated.

“This feels really good to me, because every Sunday night at my house, for the last 34 years, I do a Sunday night dinner with my whole family,” says Joan. “I am really excited about having a barbecue with you guys.” After downing a hot dog, Joan chats with Jordan about his family and missing his daughters. Jack’s up next, and he’s so flustered by Joan he forgets how many kids he has. (Two, and three grandchildren.) It’s no wonder, then, that once their conversation is over, he immediately heads for the pool to cool off.

Meanwhile, Pascal shows Joan around the guys’ living quarters, including the (too small) closet. Gil — who is getting more screen time than I thought he would given recent developments — tells Joan about losing his wife in 2019. “When my son graduated from high school and then in college, she wasn’t there,” he says, tearing up. Gil goes on to say that his late wife loved the Bachelor franchise, and he thinks she’d “be pretty happy for me that I’m taking this journey.”

During his sit down with Joan, Gary talks about how excited he is to coach his grandkids’ sports team. Ok, ABC, please greenlight that reality show now: Grandpa Gary: Little League Coach Extraordinaire. Joan then wows him with a framed copy of their wonderful prom photo.

Gary is moved to tears. “Just the thought that she put into giving this to me as a gift,” he says, choking up. “It does mean a lot to me.”

Speaking of crying, now Kim is showing Joan wedding and family photos, and once again, I’m a wreck.

“I understand that she’s still in love with her husband, and I think she understands that I’m still in love with my wife,” notes Kim. “That doesn’t keep us from having the capacity in our hearts for more love.”

A wreck, I tell ya! This show is going to kill me.

At long last, we come to the moment that opened the show. Mark and Joan sit out on the steps, and he tells her about being stationed in Germany for 11 years when he was in the Army. Now, he’s somewhat proficient in German, and he playfully quizzes Joan on a few phrases in that language, like “Hello Joan, how are you?” and “Will you share a bratwurst with me.” But it’s all leading up to this:

The Golden Bachelorette LOVES it. “Yeah, you can,” she coos. “You could have said it in English, too.” They proceed to smooch, and eagle-eyed viewers will note that the shot of Joan and Mark kissing is also the shot producers used in the “this season on” preview, though they added audio of Joan saying, “I love you, Mark” over the smooch. Those wily bastards.

Before we get to the sadness of the rose ceremony, let’s all take a moment to bask in Joan’s gorgeous, bright green lewk.

Rose ceremony roll call! Mark, Gary, Pascal, Jordan, Charles “CK” K., Keith, Gil, Charles L., Kim, Gregg, and Guy join Jonathan, Chock, and Dan in the Circle of Safety™. Alas, that means we must say goodbye to Bob, Michael, Christopher, and Cannonball Jack. Godspeed, gentlemen — and producers, if you don’t greenlight Golden Bachelor in Paradise and make Jack your first contestant, you have failed.

“You’re so much darn fun,” Joan tells Jack as she hugs him goodbye. “The guys are going to miss you as much as me.” So will the audience. Naturally, the big ol’ goofball goes out singing “My Way” — with Christopher accompanying him.

Well, that was refreshing, rose lovers. A whole two hours of Bachelorette content without any real drama — unless you count the guys’ mild annoyance at Jack’s repeated cannonballs. Before you go, a few questions: Who are you rooting for most? Any favorites for the next Golden Bachelor? And are you sorry to see Jack go?  Let me know your thoughts about the premiere, the men, and anything else you want to talk about on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin or on Bluesky at @kristengbaldwin.bsky.social.

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.