UBC releases recruiting tactics for the new generation of potential students

UBC has leaked its recruiting tactics for prospective students, including vocabulary to use when talking to them, pop culture to memorize for small talk and ways to target their short attention spans for post-secondary education.

This isn't UBC's most embarrassing leak this month, as no personal information was leaked, which UBC IT calls a “big win.”

A mass email was sent to all first-year students welcoming them with important information. Unbeknownst to UBC, one of the attachments was a presentation from UBC's VP Student Office on tactics for recruiting “Gen Alpha” (can you believe we didn't rely on Freedom of Information for this crap this time)?

Points of the presentation included a new offering on the Chipotle campus called the “Kendrick-Drake Beef Bowl,” which introduced an English Honors seminar dedicated to the poetry of brain rot, and introducing the freshman class to “JumpStart Rizz Party” renamed.

A key note of the presentation was: “Do not attempt to have long conversations with incoming students that last longer than five seconds unless you can perform Slime ASMR at the same time.”

Other strategies included officially changing the term “tuition” to “fanum tax”, formatting readings as r/AITA posts, and creating split-screen presentation slides with pre-recorded Subway Surfer gameplay on the other side.

Noah, the gene alpha expert, said, “This is Ohio, bro.”

(I don't know what that means either, but he's nine, so I'm guessing he's an expert on youth. Who am I to argue with that, since at 21 I'm apparently geriatric? Er was born in 2015. How am I supposed to understand children when every other word they use is either Sigma or Skibidi? I'm going to lose my mind.)

In a statement about this The UbyssePriva C. Breetsh, Managing Information Director (MID), wrote: “Yes, it's on us, we don't know how to use email. But keep up the great newsroom work, we all appreciate you keeping UBC on its toes.” I love this guy.

Students expressed frustration and felt misjudged by UBC's generalization of younger generations.

“I don’t think anyone actually talks like that,” incoming first-grader Igo Tistacle said. When asked about his major, he said that he is studying medicine (translation: biology).

Third-year philosophy student Ens Supherabel said, “If we look at Plato's realms, then in the spiritual world it is existence,” and then I kind of walked away because I wanted an iced chai from Blue Chip.

Students decided to express their frustration in a variety of ways, such as “competitive crocheting,” “brat spelunking,” and “get the damn microphone out of my face, freak.”

But perhaps UBC's worst attempt at staying relevant and hip was the one real TikTok they posted that walks this article on the line between fact and fiction. The future is ahead of us and UBC wants to ensure business is cautious.

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